For the last four weeks, I’ve been blogging daily about trying to finally get a career started making money as a writer before my second child is born this August. A big instigator for me to start blogging in the first place (back with my first blog last year) was the movie Julie & Julia about the writer Julie Powell and Julia Child. I’m embarrassed that I was so easily swayed by a movie, but it spoke to me on a level I truly understood: find what you love and go after it – really go after it – and you’ll be a success.

Of course, the moment I began blogging last year, I was disappointed that I hadn’t become an overnight success. Honestly, I don’t know how Julie Powell got so many people to read her blog (not to say that it wasn’t thoroughly worthy of such praise, but still, how do you get people to find you??). Maybe it’s partially due to the fact that in 2002, everyone and their mother wasn’t blogging. I just finished watching the movie for probably the 3rd or 4th time (it really is a wonderful movie) and still can’t help to be inspired by both of the women’s stories. Julia Child loved food, so she started learning how to cook. Then years later she was able to publish her book. Julie Powell wanted to be a writer, and only when she learned how to combine her two loves (writing and cooking) was she able to become a success.

Both women worked extremely hard to achieve what they did. I can’t help but feel that I don’t have that same space in me. But every time I clean up the kitchen, or fold the laundry, or clean up my daughter’s breakfast spills, I can’t help but think, “It this all there is?”

What is it that I want? I want the respect of producers and agent and a 3-picture movie deal. I want to hear them say that I’m the next Diablo Cody (but with a less anti-establishment name.) I want the love of NYC theater-goers and critics, and I want my successful stage director friend clambering to direct one of my plays. I want that anonymous notoriety where every day people don’t recognize me, but industry people use my name in contexts of success and future projects.

Instead, I have debilitating morning sickness and a life that just seems “too busy” for me to move to the next level of my career. Maybe I’m not sure where to go from here. I’ve got two good screenplays and I’ve run out of people I know to send them to. Perhaps I’ll go back to my literary manager. I never officially left him anyway. I don’t regret having a family – I just wish I got this push of energy for my career back when I didn’t have children…

But my biggest handicap, I think, is my attitude. People who feel, “I can’t do this” or “It’s too hard” don’t make it. People who say, “I’m gonna work it till it works me” are the ones who become rockstars.

But how do I flip my attitude of “I’m not good enough” to “Fuck it, I can do anything”?